My Descent Into Dark Waters

Have you ever tipped your foot into waters so deep your only consolation was the relief you felt at not being able to see the dangers that lurked beneath the surface before they came to devour you?

My descent into this pool of desolation came quite unexpectedly, and left me wounded and gasping against the rocks which barely blocked my freefall into something desperately worse. At the time, my only rationale for consuming anything was that I knew I would die faster if I didn’t. The single reason I cleaned myself was so that my body did not repulse the ambulance crew when they came to get me again.

After my surgery I had dizzy, high hopes of returning to normal life. I even agreed to do a photo shoot which was to start a mere 6 days after the operation. My husband and children were due to go on holiday the first day of my shoot. It was a holiday that was planned ages in advance, way before I got the surgery date.

When the post surgery infection hit, the ripples it made encircled every pore of my body. The people who’re familiar with what this particular blog is (mainly) about, understand that my threshold for pain and hurt have been solidly built up to extreme heights. They will know that the presence of tears meant that my spilt milk had to have been caramelised on high heat, scraped off the pan with a rusty, serrated dagger, then stomped into the ground with muddy, workmen’s boots.

One of the surgeons who had to see me before I was discharged said that it would take a while to heal. I knew that. He said that they had to handle and move my muscles and blood vessels to be able to cut out the bone – bit by bit – that was tangled around them and the nerve endings, causing me all the pain. I suppose I knew that too. Though it hadn’t occurred to me when I was making photo shoot plans, that the doctors’ hands were going to be within my slight body, handling my insides.
When the sweats and chills hit me under the sheets, I grabbed hold of my husband’s pillow and pressed it against the tin opener working on my chest. During the fits of nightmarish sleep which evaded my grasp every time I lounged, my only thought was when the blackout would return and how long would it last this time.

Not being able to eat, water was all I could consume apart from the small packet of plain rice I cooked myself for dinner in the microwave oven. Being in the house on my own all day was equally as bad as being alone, awake in bed counting down the minutes until I took my next set of pain killers. It was remarkable to me that through my tears I did ask God to forgive my sins before I asked him to heal my body. It was also remarkable – even in my state of mind, that I, a person who refused to go on pain medicine while suffering years of pain, was filling up the water bottles beside my bed for one reason only – to hungrily drown the pain killers I had scattered there. Then it hit me! The bottom of the rock, that is.

That night I lay in bed with the pillow pressed against my churning chest and determined to ride the pain jerks and the cold chills without cosying up to the water bottles and the pills. Yesterday I spoke to my husband and kids in France and he said, ‘At least the kids aren’t there to bother you.’ Bother me, ha! That’s the least of my problems.

I still have to ride the pain and get rid of the infection. It will take some time, a lot more than I thought – foolish me! I’ve been away from the internet for a while. I don’t know if this is my return, but it sure is something, right.

Kids Can be Funny Can't They - Part 2

image source

Yeah, but no, this time it ain’t my kid.

Last Sunday this toddler sitting in front of me in church started frantically shouting, ‘Ba!’ in the middle of the preacher’s sermon – and a great sermon it was too. He became so loud that the preacher himself stopped in the middle of his message and made a light-hearted comment about his outbursts. So audible he was throughout the entire congregation that a younger baby sitting with her mum all the way in the front started echoing him. ‘Ba! Ba!’ she cried.

From my position directly behind the parents of the little boy (we’ll call him David), I could see that they were nigh on panic mode. His mother tried to close his lips together with her fingers and when after the fifth try or so she was unsuccessful, she dumped David into his father’s lap who promptly held his hand over the infant’s mouth. Struggling to deliver himself from his father’s iron grasp, the toddler’s barely audible Ba! Ba! were heard escaping in tones of grunts and groans.

As a congregation full of people of all ages, we’ve always maintained that little kids are our future (teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside...) sorry I couldn’t help singing that. Anyway, our congregation has always embraced kids and babies and their noises. We take care of each other’s kids, and toddlers are known to stroll around and sit with various adults during the service. This is why I was actually a little surprised that David’s parents reacted with such embarrassment in the first place. That was until his four-year old sister shouted, ‘Ma, David’s saying bum. David’s saying bum in church, Mummy.’

This is a classic demonstration of ‘from the mouth of babes’ for had she not loudly shrieked this clarification, no one in the entire congregation (save her parents) would’ve known that their toddler stopped the preacher’s sermon with his extreme shouts of ‘Bum!’

If you’ve read part one of ‘Kids Can Be Funny, Can’t They?’ you’ll know that my own son shouted worse out in public.

Yeah, I’m still laughing about Sunday.

Relationship With Laughter

Laughter is good for the soul. Here are some links to my humour articles to soothe you from inside out.

My 10 Most Favourite Chalkboard Gags From The Simpsons 

Whenever I watch The Simpsons I keep a look out for the gags Bart writes on the chalkboard (blackboard) just before the episodes start.
Here's a trip down memory lane to find the ten most memorable chalkboard gags from “The Simpsons.”










15 Ways To Tell If You've Got Any Youth Left

A lighthearted view of youth and growing old.












7 Girlie Things Men Would Have Fun Doing 

An amusing list of activities which are normally associated with women, but men would enjoy doing. Yes, really.











Amusing Differences Between Men And Women 

A discussion about the ways and practices of the different genders and how they clash with each other.
We are called the fairer sex, but nothing is fair about the way men are treated simply because we are the women. Let’s examine the evidence shall we.








My Book Of Evil Plans 

Oh, wouldn’t it be nice if we could all have our own little book of evil plans?














The Naughty Old Woman's Wicked Revenge 

Cheeky verses describing a woman’s future plans to get back at her children. She fantasizes about many wicked pranks, with humorous results.










15 Of The World's Craziest Laws 

 

A collection of some strange and absurd laws that exist in different parts of the world.







What If A Man Ruled The World

What would a man do if he had power over how the world was run?








How To Read English Instantly In 13 Simple Steps

Have you ever read a sign and thought that it was too bizarre to mean what it actually said?









Goodbye President Bush. Thanks For All The Fun

A compilation of the most ridiculous, senseless utterances from the two-times President of the United States of America. He is the only misunderestimated man on earth.











13 Crazy Examples Of why English Is The Most Hilarious Language To Learn 

A compilation of translated English signs from a foreign country, which convey totally different messages from what they wanted to achieve – with hilarious results.









Spoken English, Misunderstood 

A crazy pickings of ridiculously bizarre slang from Cockney Rhyming, to the Hills of Southern America and back to good ol’ Brizzle. It’s not easy to work out what’s being said, or even if they’re really English, so don’t say you haven’t been warned.








 8 Stupid Reasons Why I Hate Cool People 

A wicked, slightly skewed collection of reasons why I hate cool people. If you become offended while reading this, just bite me!